- Fear itself is afraid of Barry Bonds.
- Barry Bonds never messed with 'the clear' or 'the cream'. He injects T-Rex dna into his brain with a syringe made of lightning.
- To prevent his children from being spoiled due to their father's wealth, Barry Bonds wrote a legal contract stating that they
won't receive a dime until they brand 'BARRY RULZZ' onto their arms like he did when he was their age. So far, all three kids work at
various Kragen Auto Parts stores in California and Nevada.
- Barry Bonds' agent, Jeff Boris, recently stated that his client 'has a shot at 1,000 homers'. Bonds immediately fined Boris for lack of faith.
- After Russ Springer pegged Bonds out of racist hatred, Bonds decided to be the bigger man and take his base. Little did Springer know
that Bonds had been taught voodoo from a shaman at Arizona State known only as 'Tim'. Beginning next year, Springer will vomit uncontrollably every time
he throws a splitter.
- Barry Bonds recently approached Salomen Torres to apologize for making fun of Torres during his time as a Giant, leading Torres to retire
from the game for five years. After saying sorry, Bonds said 'Hey you kind of look like the guy that blew the season for us in '93', to which Torres
replied 'That was me'. Barry Bonds laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
- After a decade-long friendship, Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield had a falling out in 2004. Sheffield stated that Bonds was 'selfish'. In
retaliation, Bonds recorded a rap diss entitled 'I'm Gonna Kill Everyone You Love, Fatass' under the alias Bazzle Bozzle. Fortunately,
the song was never released when Barry's mom caught him recording it in the garage.
- In order to discourage his kids from taking steroids, Barry Bonds leaves syringes filled with LSD around the house and carefully monitors their
behavior, looking for signs of 'trippiness'.
- Asked to explain why he has so much success against the Padres, Bonds replied
'Um I have an idea, it's called I'm Barry Bonds? End of story'. And he's right.
That was the end of the story.
- Barry Bonds can talk about Fight Club.
- Barry Bonds achieved enlightenment. He was not impressed.
- Muhammed Ali is changing his name to Barry Bonds.
- Only Barry Bonds remembers the days when he used to hit splash hits at Candlestick Park. Everyone else is too worried about the line for Cha Cha Bowls.
- Barry Bonds once stated 'I don't believe half the things I say.' Only problem is, Barry Bonds never lies.
- When Barry Bonds was 28, he challenged his father, Bobby Bonds, and his godfather, Willie Mays, to home run derbies followed by fist fights. Neither of them ever played in another major league game.
- Once, Barry Bonds told the Milwaukee Brewers he could beat them singlehandedly, and when they demanded he put his money where his mouth is, he won by infinity in the first inning when they intentionally walked every batter.
- Babe Ruth often referred to himself as 'the best hitter until Barry Bonds'
- When barry bonds was asked to participate in "Giants Idol", he thought it would be fun to be paula abdul for a day, so he found paula abdul, skinned, scalped, and cleaned her and put her on. to avoid suspicion he replaced her with a signed picture of himself dressed as Paula Abdul for "Giants Idol".
- After his third consecutive surgery on his injured knees, Barry Bonds had a doctor replace his knee caps with atomic bombs, claiming that if he reaggrevated his knees "at least i would blow up the whole fucking world."
- Barry bonds once decided to take batting practive backwards. He hit a ball
so hard that we went back in time 10 minutes.
- In the minor leagues Barry Bonds ran out of oatmeal one morning so he ate a bowl of hot lava intead. when he was done he threw the bowl at the clubhouse cook, shouting "the oatmeal's too bland...AGAIN."
- In his college days barry bonds was asked to participate in the olympics but declined saying, "i don't live in the united states of america, i live in the united states of barry bonds". a team was then promptly put together of other citizens of the united states of barry bonds including his dog, a sandwich, and 10 pieces of paper with his name written on it.
- How many Barry Bonds's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One hit it into the socket 560 feet away and another to get jason ellison to finish screwing it in.
- A well-known myth about Barry Bonds is that he "sharpened his batting eye by numbering tennis balls, then only swinging at the odd numbers as they were pitched to him." This simply is not true. Barry sharpens his eyes daily by grinding them against a hard rough surface, typically stone.
- Barry Bonds only took human growth hormone to limit himself, as he is technically more of a 'behemoth' than a 'human'. He STOPPED taking HGH in 1998 and gained 50 pounds of muscle in a week.
- During the 2004 offseason, Congress asked Barry Bonds to testify about steroids along with Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmeiro. Bonds laughed off the notion of getting out of his recliner, hung up on a conference call of all 100 senators, and the trials proceeded smoothly without the most notable figure in the steroids scandal.
- When Barry Bonds was a promising young reporter for the associated press he had a nasty reputation for refusing to ask questions and becoming very standoffish if anyone tried to get him to ask a question.
- Once, when Barry Bonds ran out of steroids before a playoff game, he called Bill Romanowski and ate him.
- Barry bonds once threatened to kill his mistress
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